A bad day...

Today started out wrong. I took Chris to work and we got in a fight about letting Raleigh sleep in our bed, and then I never get to sleep, and its my fault, but I blame Chris for not ever helping me at night..etc. etc. It was stupid, but it ruined my whole day. I hate it when I let things like that happen. I just started feeling like a failure at everything. My laundry hasn't been caught up in 3 months, either has my cleaning, I havn't cooked a healthy meal in a week and we have been eating out way more than I would like, Raleigh needs a lot a lot of attention from me right now, and I can't always give it to him. I am demanding too much help from Chris to try and stay afloat when he should be working on his secondary applications and everything else. Anyways, I had a melt down. Then I just started feeling like, what am I doing? I do not want to wake up every day for the rest of my life and clean my house, and cook dinner. It seems so bleak when you think of it like that. I couldn't seem to remember what makes me happy and why I'm glad to be alive. But tonight, I remembered. After our fight, I decided to try to let Raleigh fall asleep by himself after I rocked him. So I nursed him and he almost immediately fell asleep, so I held him for a bit and rocked him, but then as I laid him in bed he woke up. I would normally just quickly pick him up and continue rocking him untill he peacefully drifted off to sleep, but i just let him lay there to see if he could fall back asleep by himself. Well, he screamed and screamed for about 9 minutes and then I went in and patted him on the back and laid him back down and told him how much I loved him. That really got him going, he wailed and started shivering and breathing fast and labored, but I wanted to Chris to see what had happened. So I left him. 5 minutes later Chris couldn't handle it so he went in and tried to calm him down. The entire time Chris held him he wailed and shook untill I decided I couldn't take it any more. I went in and held him tight and rocked him for about 30 seconds while I sang songs and he peacefully fell asleep. I could have laid him down, but I didn't. Instead I held him for as long as I wanted and stared at his beautifull little face, pudgy fingers, and quivering little breathe. My tears met his as they rolled across his forehead and down his sweaty cheeks. I remembered that it is that love that brings me happiness. Its my little family. Then I was listening to music on Christophers iphone as I did the dishes and a song came on that we listened to when we were dating. I remembered that HE is what makes me happy. HE is what will make my days bright. HE is what matters. I'm thankfull that Heavenly Father helped me to remember that. Satan wants me to find validation from the world by my physichal appearance, or my musical abilities, or whatever selfish whim I may be floundering with. But at the end of the day, going out and doing something selfish only makes me feel, unsattisfied. Rocking my baby, feeling him close, and remembering that God will help me to be a good mom brings me true joy. I know that I won't be a mom like Kim Harper, my house will never be that clean, and my kids will likely never be as well behaved. I will also not be a mom like Mckenzie, wow, she is incredible. But, I will do my very best, and whatever that is will be well enough for my children. I am always seeking advice from my mom, kenz, cobe, barbie, Amy, Vanessa, and other friends, but at the end of the day, I always know that I can't really do that. I am unique, and my love and abilities as a mother will always be unique. I may never let my baby cry himself to sleep as my mom and Amy tell me to do. I can't do it. I will love him and try to remember what is best for him and do that at whatever the personal sacrifice, but I just need to know that God approves of what I am attempting to accomplish and that will be well enough for me. Life is so very complicated. It feels good to try to sort out my emotions into words, other wise I become a bit of a selfish worry wort. I have so many complex emotions and I seem to always be expressing them in the wrong way. Why do boys not feel things as deeply as girls? Chris will never understand my rampages. Oh well...I'll keep trying to explain it to him:)