New Car and Crazy ol' Braewood

Hey Buckeroo!

Sorry, I missed writing you the past couple of weeks. Sunday night kept creeping up on me and monday mornings are madness around here. Anyways, shouldn't happen again. We had a very interesting week. Its made me want to move really bad. Thursday night we had a psycho lady come over at 9:00 pm and start screaming at me because I am giving her extreme anxiety about smoking she was swearing and shaking and Chris started talking/yelling back at her to try and defend me...in the end she stormed off screaming that "I AM HIRING A LAWYER< AND YOU WILL BE CHARGED FOR HARASSMENT" it was super weird. Then on Friday night we had 4 cops come and break up a drug/gang fight at 2:00 am with spotlights and stuff chasing down the boys as they ran through our complex. it was really scary. Then last night our apartment completely flooded with water. I mean there was a puddle in the kitchen our living room was drenched EVERYTHING. My journal was on the floor and it is completely ruined, which is super sad because it had all of raleighs information in it. But, hopefully it will dry out ok and be readable. Sounds like your roasting up out there. I would have loved to see you riding your bike with an AC unit inbetween your legs. That is so funny. Also, on a brighter note, we bought a new car. Its rad, we sold our Honda because we couldn't afford the car payment and downgraded to a 1993 Subaru Legacy. IT IS RAD. Its a super long hatch back that we can do everything in. I'm really pumped about it. I'll attach photos. Its super ugly, but the inside is in perfect condition. A Polish immigrant purchased it when he first got here and has kept it absolutely clean and well tuned. tonight we took it up for a spin in the mountains. It was so much fun, you can lay the back seats down perfectly flat and make a nice little comfy bed. I think we will have many good adventures to come in it. We had a great time at Reese and Barbs yesterday. We hung out with them and cobe and rob. Its fun to have all the kids around. Ethan and Gabe LOVE Raleigh. They are always fighting over who gets to push his stroller or feed him or carry him or touch him or do anything with him. Gabe is still a little wild, but he is learning how to be nice. I went shopping with them the other day. It was crazy we had 4 carseats in Barbs car! Anyways, Gabe needed to go potty so I took him while Barb was checking out. We go in the bathroom and he takes off his shoes, shorts, and underwear. Then he mounts the toilet like spiderman and squats on it. After he tinckles I ask him if he's done and he says, "No, I am going to need at least another 5 minutes." It was so funny. He then continued to go for about 10 min. That kid can really letter blow if ya know what I mean. Our lesson was on eternal marriage in church today. A girl in our ward made a comment about how she has wanted to leave her husband several times and how their relationship is so difficult. It made me so sad. It is difficult to be married but I believe that it should be a lot better than it is hard. It should be full of more joy/happiness than anger/unhappiness. I believe it will be what you make of it. Before I got married I thought that it was just the covenants that you made in the temple that prepared you for the celestial kingdom, but I now understand that it is all of the patience, and selflessness, and sacrificing, and enduring, and loving that you do that helps you become celestial material. Heavenly Father in deed set out a perfect plan for us to follow. I am so thankful for Christopher and Raleigh. They make me so happy! I can't wait for you to spend some more time with Raleigh he is SO much fun right now. Today in Sacrament meeting he was getting super tired and he was standing up holding on to my shoulders on the bench. Then before I can stop him he is biting my ear trying to get my earring in his mouth. He tries to get my pearl earrings out every day sometimes he is successfull at just snagging on to it when I set him down or something, but that was a new tactic. Just bite it while its still attached to my head. It was so funny, I couldn't get him off of me. Anyways, Miss you and love you tons! I am SO proud of you and pray for you and think of you all the time.

A bad day...

Today started out wrong. I took Chris to work and we got in a fight about letting Raleigh sleep in our bed, and then I never get to sleep, and its my fault, but I blame Chris for not ever helping me at night..etc. etc. It was stupid, but it ruined my whole day. I hate it when I let things like that happen. I just started feeling like a failure at everything. My laundry hasn't been caught up in 3 months, either has my cleaning, I havn't cooked a healthy meal in a week and we have been eating out way more than I would like, Raleigh needs a lot a lot of attention from me right now, and I can't always give it to him. I am demanding too much help from Chris to try and stay afloat when he should be working on his secondary applications and everything else. Anyways, I had a melt down. Then I just started feeling like, what am I doing? I do not want to wake up every day for the rest of my life and clean my house, and cook dinner. It seems so bleak when you think of it like that. I couldn't seem to remember what makes me happy and why I'm glad to be alive. But tonight, I remembered. After our fight, I decided to try to let Raleigh fall asleep by himself after I rocked him. So I nursed him and he almost immediately fell asleep, so I held him for a bit and rocked him, but then as I laid him in bed he woke up. I would normally just quickly pick him up and continue rocking him untill he peacefully drifted off to sleep, but i just let him lay there to see if he could fall back asleep by himself. Well, he screamed and screamed for about 9 minutes and then I went in and patted him on the back and laid him back down and told him how much I loved him. That really got him going, he wailed and started shivering and breathing fast and labored, but I wanted to Chris to see what had happened. So I left him. 5 minutes later Chris couldn't handle it so he went in and tried to calm him down. The entire time Chris held him he wailed and shook untill I decided I couldn't take it any more. I went in and held him tight and rocked him for about 30 seconds while I sang songs and he peacefully fell asleep. I could have laid him down, but I didn't. Instead I held him for as long as I wanted and stared at his beautifull little face, pudgy fingers, and quivering little breathe. My tears met his as they rolled across his forehead and down his sweaty cheeks. I remembered that it is that love that brings me happiness. Its my little family. Then I was listening to music on Christophers iphone as I did the dishes and a song came on that we listened to when we were dating. I remembered that HE is what makes me happy. HE is what will make my days bright. HE is what matters. I'm thankfull that Heavenly Father helped me to remember that. Satan wants me to find validation from the world by my physichal appearance, or my musical abilities, or whatever selfish whim I may be floundering with. But at the end of the day, going out and doing something selfish only makes me feel, unsattisfied. Rocking my baby, feeling him close, and remembering that God will help me to be a good mom brings me true joy. I know that I won't be a mom like Kim Harper, my house will never be that clean, and my kids will likely never be as well behaved. I will also not be a mom like Mckenzie, wow, she is incredible. But, I will do my very best, and whatever that is will be well enough for my children. I am always seeking advice from my mom, kenz, cobe, barbie, Amy, Vanessa, and other friends, but at the end of the day, I always know that I can't really do that. I am unique, and my love and abilities as a mother will always be unique. I may never let my baby cry himself to sleep as my mom and Amy tell me to do. I can't do it. I will love him and try to remember what is best for him and do that at whatever the personal sacrifice, but I just need to know that God approves of what I am attempting to accomplish and that will be well enough for me. Life is so very complicated. It feels good to try to sort out my emotions into words, other wise I become a bit of a selfish worry wort. I have so many complex emotions and I seem to always be expressing them in the wrong way. Why do boys not feel things as deeply as girls? Chris will never understand my rampages. Oh well...I'll keep trying to explain it to him:)